The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered, "I wear this collar because I am a Father."
The Jewish man thought a second and responded, "Sir I am also a Father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"
The priest thought for a minute and said "Sir, I am the Father for many."
The Jewish man quickly answered, "I am the Father of many, too. I have four sons, four daughters and more grandchildren than I can count. Still, I wear my collar just like everybody else. Why do you wear it your way?"
The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out, "Sir, I am the Father to hundreds of people."
The Jewish man was taken aback and was silent for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."
The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.
The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."
Once upon a time there was a little old man that really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed he was suntanned all over except for his>penis. He decided to do something about it. He promptly went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis. A little later two elderly ladies, one walking with a cane, happened by. When she saw this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane. She said to her friend, "There ain't no justice in this world" Her friend asked her what she meant. "Well" she said: "When I was 20 I was curious about it. When I was 30 I enjoyed it. When I was 40 I asked for it. When I was 50 I paid for it. When I was 60 I prayed for it. When I was 70 I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80 , the damn things are growing wild.
One day, Steve decided to take his money and buy a small, but growing business. He set out to hire someone who could run his business while he enjoyed himself. The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Steve asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and the gentleman answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Steve got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Steve again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. He was a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart and handsome. Steve was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses. "Steve was shocked, and said, "That's incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?" The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's kind of hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears!"
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone whom I just figured was her husband."
Now the guy is angry. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from the desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"Uh... is this 832-4821?"
This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit).
Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items."
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