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A drunk is standing, pissing into a fountain in the middle of town, so a cop approaches him and says "Stop that and put it away!"
The drunk shoves his dick into his pants and does up his zip. As the cop turns to go, the drunk starts laughing.
"Okay, what's so funny?" asks the cop.
"Fooled you," says the drunk "I put it away, but I didn't stop."
Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals - you'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off."
"That's baloney!" says one of the hunters.
"Yeah," the other agrees, "you're just chicken. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts! He wasn't afraid to take off!"
"Yeah", said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!"
The pilot got angry, and said, "Hell, if he did it, then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody!"
They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.
Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, "Where are we?"
One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around, and said, "I'd say... About a hundred yards further than last year..."
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes
The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times,and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.
Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.
The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for Goodness sake!" To which the guy responds, "Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
Ever wonder if there could be a simple explanation of the differences in forms of government and economic systems.....if this dosn't do it, I don't know what does.
Governments in "2 Cow" terms:
Socialism: You have 2 cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
Communism: You have 2 cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.
Facism: You have 2 cows: The government takes them both and sells you the milk.
Nazism: You have 2 cows. The government takes them both and shoots you.
Bureaucracy: You have 2 cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and pours it down the drain.
Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Corporate: You have 2 cows. Get rid of one, force the other to produce the milk of 4 cows, and act surprised when it drops dead.
Reengineering: You contract 2 cows. Implementation of empowerment, standardization, and global work practices will achieve the value basis of 16 cows, thus increasing shareholder value.
A man comes home from a nite out on the town with the boys. His wife asks if he did anything interesting.
He says "Sure did. I have a $100.00 bill tattooed on my penis."
His wife says, "Why on earth did you do a dumb thing like that?"
He replied, "Three reasons:
1. I like to play with my money.
Having to write letters of recommendation for people with very dubious qualifications can cause serious legal troubles in a time when laws have eroded the confidentiality of business letters. In most states, job applicants have the right to read the letters of recommendations and can even file suit against the writer if the contents are negative.
Here is an arsenal of statements that can be read two ways:
You are able to state a negative opinion of the ex-employees poor work habits, while allowing the ex-employee to believe that it is high praise. When the writer uses these, whether perceived correctly or not by the ex-employee, the phrases are virtually litigation-proof.
1. To describe a person who is extremely lazy:
2. To describe a person who is totally inept:
3. To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow
4. To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be
better left unfilled:
5.To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration:
6. To describe a person with lackluster credentials:
Donald Duck and Minney Mouse were up in a hotel room and decided that they wanted to have sex. Well, the first thing Minny asks is "Do you have a condom?" and Donald says "No". Minney tells Donald that if he doesn't get a condom that they can't have sex but suggests to Donald that he go buy a condom. She says that maybe they sell them at the front desk. Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the front desk. He asks the hotel clerk if they sell condoms. The clerk says "yes we do" and pulls one out from under the desk and gives it to Donald. The clerk asks "Would you like me to put that on your bill?" and Donald says "NO! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, SOME KIND OF PERVERT?
A LITTLE AUTOMOTIVE HUMOR
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, the angel tells Ford, "You've been a great guy and your invention, the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
So, Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with Adam, the first inventor."
So, the angel points out Adam to Ford. When Ford gets to Adam, he asks, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of the Woman?" Adam says yes. "Well," says Ford, "you have some major design flaws in your invention.
1. There's too much front end protrusion.
"Hmmm . . . ," says Adam. "Hold on."
Adam goes to the celestial supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. Then, he says to Henry Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the celestial supercomputer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
One day, a young man goes to apply for a sales job at a major department store. He tells the sales manager that he doesn't really have any experience, but he is willing to try his hardest to learn. The manager likes his attitude and decides to give the guy a chance.
So the next day, the sales manager decides to stop in to see how the kid is doing on his first day. He asks, "How many sales did you have today?".
The salesman answers, "One."
"How come only one," asks the manager," most of my salesman have 20-30 per day! How much was the one sale you made?"
The salesman answers,"$73,344.00"
"WHAT!!!!! What did you sell?????"
"Well, a guy wanted a small fishing hook, so I sold him a medium fishing hook, then I sold him a large fishing hook. Then he needed a rod, so I sold him a light action rod, the upgraded to a medium action rod, and then changed it to a fully balanced combo. Then I told him he was going to need a boat, so I took him to the boating department and sold him a 14 foot motorboat, then upgraded him to a 20 foot cabin cruiser. Then I told him that his Volkswagen wouldn't be able to tow the boat so I took him to the car department and sold him a sport utility vehicle."
"A guy came in for a fishing hook and you managed to sell him all of that?" asked the manager.
"No, he came in for a box af tampons, and I said 'Hell, your weekend is shot anyway, why not do some fishing?'"
"Mommy, where do babies come from?"
"The stork, dear."
"Mommy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house?"
"The police, dear."
"Mommy, if our house was on fire, who would save us?"
"The fire department, dear."
"Mommy, where does food come from?"
"What do we need Daddy for?"
A married man had a brief affair while in Germany on business. A few weeks after he returned home, his lover notified him that she was pregnant. Afraid that his wife would find out, he asked his lover to just send a postcard to him with the word "sauerkraut" on it when the baby was born. Nearly 7 months later his wife came to him one day and said "You got the strangest postcard today; all it says on it is...'sauerkraut, sauerkraut, sauerkraut; two with wieners and one without".
The Laws of Work
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
An institution for the mentally ill arranged for its inmates to attend a baseball game. The director spent days training the patients to obey his commands, so there wouldn't be any trouble.
The day of the game was bright and sunny and the group arrived just before the first pitch. When it was time for the National Anthem, the director yelled, "Up, nuts!" and the inmates immediately rose. When the National Anthem was over, the director yelled, "Down, nuts!" and the inmates sat. The game proceeded and the inmates were well-behaved. When the home team made a good play, the director yelled, "Clap, nuts!" and the patients applauded just like normal fans.
Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go get a hot dog and a beer. But when he came back, there was a riot going on.
The director finally located his assistant and demanded, "What happened?" "Everything was fine," the assistant said, "until some guy came over and yelled, 'Peanuts'!"
* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...
* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
* Does fuzzy logic tickle?
* If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with Battery?
* How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
* I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
* If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of?
* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
* I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
* What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
* Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
* Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
* If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
* Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? * Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
* How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
* Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
* Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
* Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
* Why do you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?
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